Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My New Novel's Gonna Be A Bestseller!!!

Yup. Man Booker Prize here I come!! (Oh, and congrats to Julian Barnes. I'll be in his shoes next year.)

Here's the query for my new novel. It contains such scenes as could never happen in real life, surely.

Maren Wonder is a talented novelist. When the book she's written--Radiant--is chosen as a finalist for a prestigious book award, Maren is over the moon. But as she's uncorking the champagne, word comes that Dulles Deafman, a geriatric telephonist who has always hated Maren and her work, claims he has written down the wrong title. The real nominee should be Gradiant, a gritty novel about cleaning the sewers of New York.

The head of the awards' panel, the well-meaning but ineffective Titus Dimvit the IVth, initially claims that this year six novels were considered worthy of inclusion. But Deafman takes his claim to the media and soon Dimvit is calling for Maren to withdraw Radiant "for the honor and integrity of the award." Deafman can hardly believe his luck: Maren has been humiliated in the eyes of the literary world. But Maren conducts herself with grace and professionalism in withdrawing her book for consideration. What will Deafman do next to turn what should have been a moment of joy and celebration into a complete fustercluck?

THE SCREWUP OF THE CENTURY, a literary thriller, is complete at 60,000 words. I am a member of Fabricators Anonymous and Titus Dimvit IV is my father.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Titus Dimvit V

I should probably have Matt MacNish and his sharp-eyed minions take a stab at improving this. After they're done with their minor tinkering, I plan to write the screenplay, for which I'm going all high-concept: Mommy Dearest meets Mr. Holland's Opus, in which my father is reduced to a blithering idiot, Dulles Deafman is stabbed with the Pen of Justice, and all the other nominees tell a packed auditorium that they're withdrawing in solidarity with Maren. Pass the kleenex!!

And now, off to buy me a copy of Lauren Myracle's SHINE. Truth is stranger than Fiction.


  1. This is one of the most creative commentaries on the whole NBA disaster, and "fustercluck" is my new favorite word. I bought a copy of SHINE a few weeks ago, and am looking forward to reading it because I've heard wonderful things about it.

  2. On the brightside of the controversy, Lauren's sales have just climbed. ;)

    I, too, now want to read the book. It wasn't on my radar before.

  3. One good thing to come out of all of this (other than your awesome satire) is that I hadn't heard of Lauren or Shine before this, and now I will be buying it. I know, I'm completely uninformed about many of the best books being published, but I can't help it.

  4. Why do they call it the "Man" Booker prize anyway? I was just thinking about that yesterday, strangely enough.

  5. Ha! Fustercluck, love it. Great commentary on this tragedy. Just got my copy of Shine today from my public library. I had to wait a few days as all the copies at all five local branches were checked out. That's s good thing.

  6. Funny--this evening I just sent you a link to an article Myracle wrote for the HuffPost. I should have known you'd already know the whole story!

    Love you!


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